Comments on: Secrets and lies in relationships: Is it ever okay to keep your past hidden? http://www.chocolatecity.cc/2009/11/24/secrets-and-lies-in-relationships-is-it-ever-okay-to-keep-your-past-hidden/ Arguably The Best African American Blog, Socio-economic, Justice, Politics, Fashion, Book Review, and Black Artists Blog Sun, 13 Nov 2011 01:28:32 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: enyl http://www.chocolatecity.cc/2009/11/24/secrets-and-lies-in-relationships-is-it-ever-okay-to-keep-your-past-hidden/comment-page-1/#comment-488 enyl Tue, 01 Dec 2009 18:47:27 +0000 http://www.chocolatecity.cc/?p=1778#comment-488 I believe that iof your childhood pain effects the way that you think and behave as an adult , then you should definitely discuss it with your spouse. As far as discussing it with a significant other, it would not be neccessary unless you are considering marriage. I believe that iof your childhood pain effects the way that you think and behave as an adult , then you should definitely discuss it with your spouse. As far as discussing it with a significant other, it would not be neccessary unless you are considering marriage.

]]> By: Chicki Brown http://www.chocolatecity.cc/2009/11/24/secrets-and-lies-in-relationships-is-it-ever-okay-to-keep-your-past-hidden/comment-page-1/#comment-487 Chicki Brown Mon, 30 Nov 2009 22:35:32 +0000 http://www.chocolatecity.cc/?p=1778#comment-487 I agree with Monica. If it's of major imortance, then spill. If not, keep it to yourself.  I agree with Monica. If it's of major imortance, then spill. If not, keep it to yourself. 

]]> By: Rhonda McKnight http://www.chocolatecity.cc/2009/11/24/secrets-and-lies-in-relationships-is-it-ever-okay-to-keep-your-past-hidden/comment-page-1/#comment-485 Rhonda McKnight Sun, 29 Nov 2009 19:23:43 +0000 http://www.chocolatecity.cc/?p=1778#comment-485 These questions are also relative. It depends on what you want from a relationship. There's being together and then there's having true intimacy. Best friends don't judge, not even when you're married to them. In my experience men who are really in love have tougher skin than women give them credit for. Boys often want control; want to control your present and your past and not value the journey it took to become the woman they appreciate today.    These questions are also relative. It depends on what you want from a relationship. There's being together and then there's having true intimacy. Best friends don't judge, not even when you're married to them. In my experience men who are really in love have tougher skin than women give them credit for. Boys often want control; want to control your present and your past and not value the journey it took to become the woman they appreciate today. 
 

]]> By: Anastasia Cassella-Young http://www.chocolatecity.cc/2009/11/24/secrets-and-lies-in-relationships-is-it-ever-okay-to-keep-your-past-hidden/comment-page-1/#comment-484 Anastasia Cassella-Young Sun, 29 Nov 2009 17:17:25 +0000 http://www.chocolatecity.cc/?p=1778#comment-484 I have no secrets hidden from my current husband. I've been pretty frank about most things. I do not believe that if you are in a different marriage that you don't have to talk about past g/fs or b/fs. I do not want to hear about other girls from my hubby. Although he has said that he slept with some of the ones I met, of course, he said this after the fact and that was the end of me being "friendly" with that person who could very well have been a good friend. Some things don't need to be said but I don't believe they are secrets. I did tell him about my previous relationship just before we met so that he wasn't blindsided about who it was as he had a familiarity with the guy's name.  Other than that no need to talk about past relationships.  I did enjoy this article. But I guess I can't answer all the questions that you have. I have no secrets hidden from my current husband. I've been pretty frank about most things. I do not believe that if you are in a different marriage that you don't have to talk about past g/fs or b/fs. I do not want to hear about other girls from my hubby. Although he has said that he slept with some of the ones I met, of course, he said this after the fact and that was the end of me being "friendly" with that person who could very well have been a good friend. Some things don't need to be said but I don't believe they are secrets.
I did tell him about my previous relationship just before we met so that he wasn't blindsided about who it was as he had a familiarity with the guy's name.  Other than that no need to talk about past relationships. 
I did enjoy this article. But I guess I can't answer all the questions that you have.

]]> By: Michelle Sutton http://www.chocolatecity.cc/2009/11/24/secrets-and-lies-in-relationships-is-it-ever-okay-to-keep-your-past-hidden/comment-page-1/#comment-483 Michelle Sutton Sun, 29 Nov 2009 17:04:38 +0000 http://www.chocolatecity.cc/?p=1778#comment-483 I believe it is always best to be honest with your spouse no matter what the consequences may be. Otherwise the secret/lie becomes a barrier to true intimacy. That is no way to have a marriage because everything can crumble from that point on. That said, I'd love to read what Rhonda has to say in this book. I'm sure it's great as I read the first chapter a looong time ago before the book was sold. :) I believe it is always best to be honest with your spouse no matter what the consequences may be. Otherwise the secret/lie becomes a barrier to true intimacy. That is no way to have a marriage because everything can crumble from that point on. That said, I'd love to read what Rhonda has to say in this book. I'm sure it's great as I read the first chapter a looong time ago before the book was sold. :)

]]> By: Michelle Sutton http://www.chocolatecity.cc/2009/11/24/secrets-and-lies-in-relationships-is-it-ever-okay-to-keep-your-past-hidden/comment-page-1/#comment-482 Michelle Sutton Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:56:15 +0000 http://www.chocolatecity.cc/?p=1778#comment-482 I'm a believer in sharing the truth with your spouse no matter the consequences. Otherwise the lie becomes a wall between you and your spouse and that is no way to live. That said, I know a lot of people do keep secrets so of course this book fascinates me. :P I'm a believer in sharing the truth with your spouse no matter the consequences. Otherwise the lie becomes a wall between you and your spouse and that is no way to live. That said, I know a lot of people do keep secrets so of course this book fascinates me. :P

]]> By: Erika http://www.chocolatecity.cc/2009/11/24/secrets-and-lies-in-relationships-is-it-ever-okay-to-keep-your-past-hidden/comment-page-1/#comment-477 Erika Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:07:13 +0000 http://www.chocolatecity.cc/?p=1778#comment-477 I truly believe that you simply cannot tell everything, somethings are just better left unsaid.. Because your other half may not know how to deal with the information you share with them & they may look at you or other parties involved differently, which can cause long term issues. I do also feel like once you really get to know your other half there are certain things that you should tell them about child hood pains because so many times we still carry that pain around & if the other half doesn't know about it, they won't understand our mood swings, sad days, or reactions to certain situations. I guess overall yes there are times to keep secrets & there are also times to tell. It all depends on the person you are with, how well you know that person & if you plan on spending your life with them. I truly believe that you simply cannot tell everything, somethings are just better left unsaid.. Because your other half may not know how to deal with the information you share with them & they may look at you or other parties involved differently, which can cause long term issues.

I do also feel like once you really get to know your other half there are certain things that you should tell them about child hood pains because so many times we still carry that pain around & if the other half doesn't know about it, they won't understand our mood swings, sad days, or reactions to certain situations.
I guess overall yes there are times to keep secrets & there are also times to tell. It all depends on the person you are with, how well you know that person & if you plan on spending your life with them.

]]> By: Sharon Ball http://www.chocolatecity.cc/2009/11/24/secrets-and-lies-in-relationships-is-it-ever-okay-to-keep-your-past-hidden/comment-page-1/#comment-476 Sharon Ball Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:00:16 +0000 http://www.chocolatecity.cc/?p=1778#comment-476 These are some very difficult questions, but they're important for each person in a relationship to explore. I'm the kind of person who actually struggles to keep secrets so for me full exposure is the only way to go. If I tried to keep in a secret it would eat me up inside. But I do know from experience that sharing painful childhood memories is something that requires a great deal of trust. And sometimes it takes many years for trust and communication to be at a level where a person feels free to open up. Eventually, though, the truth has a way of spilling over into the present so that a person has to deal with their emotions sooner or later. These are some very difficult questions, but they're important for each person in a relationship to explore. I'm the kind of person who actually struggles to keep secrets so for me full exposure is the only way to go. If I tried to keep in a secret it would eat me up inside. But I do know from experience that sharing painful childhood memories is something that requires a great deal of trust. And sometimes it takes many years for trust and communication to be at a level where a person feels free to open up. Eventually, though, the truth has a way of spilling over into the present so that a person has to deal with their emotions sooner or later.

]]> By: monica (candy) jackson http://www.chocolatecity.cc/2009/11/24/secrets-and-lies-in-relationships-is-it-ever-okay-to-keep-your-past-hidden/comment-page-1/#comment-475 monica (candy) jackson Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:24:43 +0000 http://www.chocolatecity.cc/?p=1778#comment-475 The past is best left in the past...unless it will have an effect on the present. Example: a life long STD, a health issue that may cause your spouse more worse then better, a criminal record, former drug abuser, an abortion, or putting a child up for adoption. Everything else is mums the word......My mate shouldn't be privy to everything...a girl got to have some secrets!!!!! LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST UNLESS IT WILL AFFECT THE FUTURE!!!! The past is best left in the past…unless it will have an effect on the present. Example: a life long STD, a health issue that may cause your spouse more worse then better, a criminal record, former drug abuser, an abortion, or putting a child up for adoption. Everything else is mums the word……My mate shouldn't be privy to everything…a girl got to have some secrets!!!!!
LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST UNLESS IT WILL AFFECT THE FUTURE!!!!

]]> By: Missy (Laverne) http://www.chocolatecity.cc/2009/11/24/secrets-and-lies-in-relationships-is-it-ever-okay-to-keep-your-past-hidden/comment-page-1/#comment-474 Missy (Laverne) Wed, 25 Nov 2009 11:13:26 +0000 http://www.chocolatecity.cc/?p=1778#comment-474 <span style="font-size: 14px"><span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif"><span style="line-height: 115%">A pet peeve of mine is lies they are destructive and like acid in a relationship. The damage they cause can be irreversible and lasting. I absolutely believe and know to be true that EVERYTHING that's done in the dark  will come to light just give it time. </span></span></span> <span style="font-size: 14px"><span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif"><span style="line-height: 115%">Once you make the decision to spend your life with someone or commit to that special someone certian conditions are unsaid in that contract and the one that tops my list is:</span></span></span> <span style="font-size: 14px"><span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif"><span style="line-height: 115%">No lies - we can talk about anything and work on everything as long as we are honest with ourselves and one another. My mom is old school she happens to believe that's the problem with "young folks" we have to know everything - (smile I love you mom) but in this day yes all the cards a person is playing with need to be placed on the table...And if they are holding any I want to know about those as well....</span></span></span> A pet peeve of mine is lies they are destructive and like acid in a relationship. The damage they cause can be irreversible and lasting. I absolutely believe and know to be true that EVERYTHING that's done in the dark  will come to light just give it time.
Once you make the decision to spend your life with someone or commit to that special someone certian conditions are unsaid in that contract and the one that tops my list is:
No lies – we can talk about anything and work on everything as long as we are honest with ourselves and one another. My mom is old school she happens to believe that's the problem with "young folks" we have to know everything – (smile I love you mom) but in this day yes all the cards a person is playing with need to be placed on the table…And if they are holding any I want to know about those as well….

]]> By: Rhonda McKnight http://www.chocolatecity.cc/2009/11/24/secrets-and-lies-in-relationships-is-it-ever-okay-to-keep-your-past-hidden/comment-page-1/#comment-473 Rhonda McKnight Wed, 25 Nov 2009 11:05:14 +0000 http://www.chocolatecity.cc/?p=1778#comment-473 Thanks so much for hosting me on Chocolate City. I look forward to the discussion. Thanks so much for hosting me on Chocolate City. I look forward to the discussion.

]]> By: Secrets and lies in relationships: Is it ever okay to keep your … http://www.chocolatecity.cc/2009/11/24/secrets-and-lies-in-relationships-is-it-ever-okay-to-keep-your-past-hidden/comment-page-1/#comment-472 Secrets and lies in relationships: Is it ever okay to keep your … Wed, 25 Nov 2009 07:08:44 +0000 http://www.chocolatecity.cc/?p=1778#comment-472 [...] Originally posted here: Secrets and lies in relationships: Is it ever okay to keep your … [...] [...] Originally posted here: Secrets and lies in relationships: Is it ever okay to keep your … [...]

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