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Rhonda McKnight, author of the novel, Secrets and Lies
I’ve always been blessed with nice skin, so whenever I have a pimple on my face it’s a major intrusion. I hate that toxic, bacteria and whatever else is in there brewing under the surface of my skin. But to keep from the dreaded thing from scaring, I don’t touch it. I always wait until the pimple comes to a head and burst on its own. Once the gook is out, I know that if I don’t pick or scratch at the surface my skin will eventually return to its clear, smooth state.
I liken this to the hidden issues people bring into relationships. They’re toxins and bacteria that are growing under the surface waiting to erupt and spill their gook. But will everything go back to its normal state if the hidden issues are discovered rather than shared? Or will the source of the information pick and scratch at the heart of the person who feels deceived and betrayed?
Most couples will experience a communication problem at some point in their relationships. When you’re in a relationship, it is normal for there to be things you don’t what to talk about or things you don’t know how to share. However, not sharing, not talking diminishes the ability to experience true intimacy with each other and may even be the root of behavior one spouse or partner doesn’t understand. The unspoken words and unspoken truths between us often build forming a divide between our hearts and our spirits. This makes it impossible for the relationship to continue to be healthy and satisfying.
Sometimes the lack of communication is unintentional. A spouse or partner doesn’t think an issue is important enough to discuss. But other .jpg)
Secrets and Lies by Rhonda McKnight
So now let’s discuss this.
- Have you ever kept a secret from your significant other and if so why? Or have you been the person kept in the dark? Why do you think your spouse/significant other wouldn’t share?
- What kind of damage do you think it did to your relationship?
- Do you believe what’s done or kept in the dark always comes to the light?
- Why do you think some people struggle with sharing incidents from their childhood?
- Do you believe you owe it to your spouse/significant other to tell them about childhood pain?
Rhonda McKnight is the owner of Legacy Editing, a free-lance editing service for fiction writers and Urban Christian Fiction Today (www.urbanchristianfictiontoday.com), a popular Internet site that highlights African-American Christian fiction. She’s the vice-president of Faith Based Fiction Writers of Atlanta. When she’s not editing projects, teaching writing workshops or penning her next novel, she spends time with her family. Originally from a small, coastal town in New Jersey, she’s called Atlanta, Georgia home for twelve years. Secrets and Lies is her first novel.
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[...] Originally posted here: Secrets and lies in relationships: Is it ever okay to keep your … [...]
Thanks so much for hosting me on Chocolate City. I look forward to the discussion.
A pet peeve of mine is lies they are destructive and like acid in a relationship. The damage they cause can be irreversible and lasting. I absolutely believe and know to be true that EVERYTHING that's done in the dark will come to light just give it time.
Once you make the decision to spend your life with someone or commit to that special someone certian conditions are unsaid in that contract and the one that tops my list is:
No lies – we can talk about anything and work on everything as long as we are honest with ourselves and one another. My mom is old school she happens to believe that's the problem with "young folks" we have to know everything – (smile I love you mom) but in this day yes all the cards a person is playing with need to be placed on the table…And if they are holding any I want to know about those as well….
The past is best left in the past…unless it will have an effect on the present. Example: a life long STD, a health issue that may cause your spouse more worse then better, a criminal record, former drug abuser, an abortion, or putting a child up for adoption. Everything else is mums the word……My mate shouldn't be privy to everything…a girl got to have some secrets!!!!!
LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST UNLESS IT WILL AFFECT THE FUTURE!!!!
These are some very difficult questions, but they're important for each person in a relationship to explore. I'm the kind of person who actually struggles to keep secrets so for me full exposure is the only way to go. If I tried to keep in a secret it would eat me up inside. But I do know from experience that sharing painful childhood memories is something that requires a great deal of trust. And sometimes it takes many years for trust and communication to be at a level where a person feels free to open up. Eventually, though, the truth has a way of spilling over into the present so that a person has to deal with their emotions sooner or later.
I truly believe that you simply cannot tell everything, somethings are just better left unsaid.. Because your other half may not know how to deal with the information you share with them & they may look at you or other parties involved differently, which can cause long term issues.
I do also feel like once you really get to know your other half there are certain things that you should tell them about child hood pains because so many times we still carry that pain around & if the other half doesn't know about it, they won't understand our mood swings, sad days, or reactions to certain situations.
I guess overall yes there are times to keep secrets & there are also times to tell. It all depends on the person you are with, how well you know that person & if you plan on spending your life with them.
I'm a believer in sharing the truth with your spouse no matter the consequences. Otherwise the lie becomes a wall between you and your spouse and that is no way to live. That said, I know a lot of people do keep secrets so of course this book fascinates me.
I believe it is always best to be honest with your spouse no matter what the consequences may be. Otherwise the secret/lie becomes a barrier to true intimacy. That is no way to have a marriage because everything can crumble from that point on. That said, I'd love to read what Rhonda has to say in this book. I'm sure it's great as I read the first chapter a looong time ago before the book was sold.
I have no secrets hidden from my current husband. I've been pretty frank about most things. I do not believe that if you are in a different marriage that you don't have to talk about past g/fs or b/fs. I do not want to hear about other girls from my hubby. Although he has said that he slept with some of the ones I met, of course, he said this after the fact and that was the end of me being "friendly" with that person who could very well have been a good friend. Some things don't need to be said but I don't believe they are secrets.
I did tell him about my previous relationship just before we met so that he wasn't blindsided about who it was as he had a familiarity with the guy's name. Other than that no need to talk about past relationships.
I did enjoy this article. But I guess I can't answer all the questions that you have.
These questions are also relative. It depends on what you want from a relationship. There's being together and then there's having true intimacy. Best friends don't judge, not even when you're married to them. In my experience men who are really in love have tougher skin than women give them credit for. Boys often want control; want to control your present and your past and not value the journey it took to become the woman they appreciate today.
I agree with Monica. If it's of major imortance, then spill. If not, keep it to yourself.
I believe that iof your childhood pain effects the way that you think and behave as an adult , then you should definitely discuss it with your spouse. As far as discussing it with a significant other, it would not be neccessary unless you are considering marriage.